Head Coffin

As some of you know, I’m a bit obsessed with the undead. I love thinking about them in the same way Robert Hamburger loves thinking about Ninja’s, it’s about that bad. Who knows what it is about zombies that gets my juices flowing, my heart pumping, and my brain thinking about ways to protect ones family against the eventual onslaught of said zombies. Heck, I love zombies so much I have two different board games about them, I love just so many different Movies about zombies and could go on and on about them. Whats the point of all this?

Well as you can probably guess, a goal of mine as a new parent is to pass on this obsession to my offspring, that they could live out my dreams of eradicating the dead, which I could then experience vicariously. So what have I been doing in order to prepare my little one for proper slayage of zombies? What kind of fatherly advice can I give Vinny so that he doesn’t go out in the world confused as to what to do? Well I’ll tell you.

First you have to realize that that the little guy has a distinct advantage over quite a few other babies in his age catagory, being that he has a little head. Not only does this provide a smaller target, but is less appetizing to the brain munching variety of zombie (which there are quite a few of). While I hope that such a thing doesn’t lead to a low functioning brain, (and discrediting that whole 10% myth) I am fairly confident that things will be ok. Also, due to his small size, vinny is quite capable of slipping unnoticed inside small objects proven to be too difficult for zombies to access. Things like Under the Sink, Inside crawl spaces, Attics, closets, under the bed, vacuum bags, toasters, microwaves, etc. The undead are not terribly smart and having a little guy you can stuff in a microwave in a pinch can be a viable survival tactic. (And don’t worry, we wouldn’t turn it on, what kind of people do you take us for)

Also, Vinny has been spoon feed important zombie facts from the very beginning of his early existence. And he pays apt attention (baring his need to eat, sleep, stare off into space at nothing, get changed or eat). Some of these facts are as follows:

1. Zombies are Unable to pull open anything
2. Zombies can look up
3. Zombies are not afraid of closets or monsters in said closets
4. They wont hold you nor feed you, so don’t let them touch you
5. If he/she is a stranger, he/she is probably a zombie, and thats zombie infected candy he/she is offering you, don’t take it or you’ll be grounded.

It’s an ongoing struggle to make sure that my zombie information is fully up to date, and to provide it in a way that Vinny would respond to. I’ve attempted sock puppets, pantomime, and exaggerated mimicry in hopes that he can recognize the signs of a possible zombie. While looking forward to demonstrating zombie weapon eradication techniques, techniques that are not so much popular as practical, I think he first needs to be able to hold his head up on his own. Zombies are a vicous and evil enemy, and they wont give you much help in the way of head holding uping so he has to at least master that skill. You would think he would already with that little head of his. Guess the rest of him has to get bigger as well.

As always at Headcoffin, all pictures taken with Nokia N95-3. What a sweet little gadget.